Sigh.. today seems like never ending to me.. I feel so restless. I just cant stand it any longer staying coop at home.. Man.. i so badly wanted to get out of the house and jus go somewhere but atlas my ezlink card is left with only 56 cents.. Darn it.. I am trying not to show everyone how upset i feel at the moment..If i were to follow my heart i would jus get out of the house and walk wherever my feet carries me.. But i am not crazy yet to do something like tat.. At least not now..

At times like this i would console myself by trying to dream tat i am a very magical place a place where i dun feel so rundown.. Where the air is always fresh and light without sadness feelings circling ard or i would imagine i am doing something good for the world.. Like in a special force or something.. But atlas these are all illusions..

I never felt so lonely like today.. My brother was hogging the comp all day and i only manage to lay my hands on the notebook now.. Haiz.. i jus cant help but feeling so down.. I guess from today onwards its not going to be the same.. I am loosing my appetite to eat or maybe i am refraining myself from eating.. i dunno..

Just now something my brother said really pierce right thru my heart. I know he is joking but man.. it sounded so real.. I wanted to get up after hours laying in the living room conquering the tv (since he is in my room conquering the notebook)and stumbled upon a bowl of rambutan seeds. tat was the onyl thing i ate today. And he was seating at the sofa back then.. I quote wat he said, " You can jump off the block but don't dirty my house"..

The response in my heart was.."Keep on wishing and it might jus come true one day".. I know currently i am not being productive at all.. I am broke... i am jobless.. i am jus a burden.. but i am desperately trying my best to secure a stable job..No one knows tis but each day tat comes by i try to swallow the sadness and pain and loneliness i feel.. I lock the emotions up within me and try to take the day as cheerful and happy as i could.. Sometimes i ask myself... how could anyone have a fren like me.. cos i cant even carry my duty as a son and a brother well let alone be a fren to someone or to ask for someone to love me.. I can barely go out of the house cos my ezlink card value is limited..

Right now... i jus wanna walk out of the house and jus leave everything behind.. walk away... and if i could stay alive tat would be considered lucky. At least i wont be a burden to anyone..

About this sunday.. I dunno if i could make it.. Maybe i jus walk my way from clementi to wherever the gang decided to meet up... i dunno.. i really want to meet the rest.. Another option i could sell of the hp tat i held so dear.. I carry with it wherever i go even carry it to sleep right beside me.. And i could use the money for a while ..maybe get a ring and surprise tat someone.. But.. how can i sell off something tat i treasure eventhough i could not use it..

You see wat i mean.. How desperately state i am in.... My heart is bleeding from the inside.. my eyes are dry but its crying without tears.. I.......am..... depressed.... Maybe i could sleep it off.. and jus wish i wont wake up again.....