On the serious note.. I know i am in a mess.. Jus tat i am so used to console myself tat it turns out tat i am running away from the reality.. From the reality tat i am pretty much a rundown person..in a big mess..a burden.

Wat am i doing to myself.. Each time i am faced with a prob i will try to calm myself and think positively. It may sounded the right thing to do but actually its another way of running away from them..

Its been a month plus without a job and i am actually very stress abt it but i tried to overcalm tat feelings by going out frequently to meet my frens.. Get the pic? trying to be calm but actually i am running away from the real problem and not putting effort to make it work.

Someone make me realise tat.. And now i sees it.. I am not putting in all the effort tat i ought to.. True i do send out resumes regularly on the net..But tat alone is not enough.. I really need to snap out of this cesspit.

I should not go out aimlessly anymore unless i have enough cash with me or out to find a job.Honestly i go out also its because i feel so alone.. Tat part is killing me.Frens.. how long can we depend on them? They may look ok to u but like u said who knows behind u they are jus bitching abt u.As matter of fact its best not to depend on anyone. Thats the right way..I am sorry.. Sorry for myself.Sorry for the frens tat have to endure to my shit.

I deserve this.. I deserve to be alone for now to get things str8.. I cant count on anyone and i will not. I dun wan to be someone whom depends on others. I am bringing myself down. I need to set my priorities str8.

Apart from tat, i need you to believe in me.. I am stubborn i admit tat. We all have tat level of stubborness in us sometimes. But i am not using it as an excuese for wat i am now. Its jus a part of me tat i am constantly trying to fight. I am not lying to u. No.. As much as i want to make u happy sometimes it jus turn the other way round.
I need to get this ground right. All the late nite talks we have, i do listen to wat u r saying. Jus tat i cant change overnight but God i am putting in the effort no matter how small it is. I am pushing myself now not because of u alone but for my own good as well. I do want to be the figure behind ur shadows tat gives u support. No one ever knows me well like u do. Sometimes when u sms me ur sincere thoughts i get so speechless.. I am honestly touched tat there is someone who actually really really cares for me.

I just need to prove it to u now tat i can do it...I am pushing and pushing myself now..

Pardon me cos i dun like typing much. Below are some pics i took with my frens. Man.. i need to learn more the art of posing he he.

Hari ini aku duduk dirumah. Diriku rasa sungguh malas.. Kalau nak ikutkan hati rasa rasa hendak keluar aja namun aku sudah berjanji untuk tidak keluar. Jadi apa lagi.. Menghadap la Tv di ruang tamuku..Aku tahu buat masa sekarang ini hidup ku tak kemana mana..

Masih seorang insan yg masih tak ada apa apa kemajuan dalam hidupnya..Aku harus aja berhenti berharap.. Tapi adakah itu jalan yg paling baik?. Sememangnya aku tidak harus berfikir bergitu...Setiap benda yang hidup mempunyai peranan masing masing jadi tiada seseorang itu yang dianggap tidak berguna..

Aku harus banyak bersabar.. Satu hari nanti akan ku dapat mencapai impianku.. Buat masa sekarang aku harus tekun mencari..

Courtesy of EEkwan. How cool ha ha Hugo model..

Hmm i am back to square one now.. tats it k.. i am not expecting anything to happen.. Right now jus have to look forward and get tat bloody job... Wats the point of having a diploma.. Even havin a diploma its so hard to get a job.. Tis is my share of pain in life huh..

Being bugged abt my insecurities, my desire to find a perfect job.. Love.. well i dunno how tats coming.. i dunno... I am trying not to think so much abt all this.. Jus need to be stronger and deal with it.. Life is like a box of chocolate u'll never know wat u gonna get..

I may look happy in the outside but inside of me there is this sad boy who jus wish he could take the pain he is feeling away...

Sometimes i jus wan to go to a far away place and start a new life.. away from everyone i know.. Oh well i better not dwell so much.. Everything happens for a reason.. so watever the situation i am in now there is a silver lining somewhere... jus need to look harder..

Another cold night tonight.. Some how i jus feel like standing in the rain and soak myself wet.. Once done with tat i would then forget abt the problems i am stuck with now..

Its time for an update.Well yest went out with IS and frens accompanied him shopping.Was fun. Oh ya bumped into u. Tat was a surprise actually he he tat shows how much our path crosses each other. Even without planning to meet we ended up bumping into each other again.I was happy to see u even if its for a while before i hung out with Is and the rest went to Bugis to have dinner and then dunno where to go we headed to orchard and my was it packed. Its the season to be jolly so i am not surprise the crowd to be so big.

Hmm talking abt Christmas.. I wan a Sony ericsson earpiece!! Argh! too bad mine got spoiled.. Been a month since i lost it. Now i cant listen to the songs from my hp.. Anyway back to the topic we went to Heeren then we decided to go back to Cityhall to chill at the rooftop.. I jus love to be there.. Apart from being near the sea.. i love to be at high places... Its so spiritual.. At least to me tat is..

So cut story short went to Happy and met the CB gang along with IS frens.. The crowd was pathethic though but hey i tried to make the best of the 15 bucks i paid..

Honestly i was a bit upset u couldn't make it.. Nevertheless i manage to take it out on the dancefloor with Hilmi. We danced and i jus let all my feelings go..Hmm i really need help.. I am so afraid of this one particular thing.. Afraid to be lied at and toyed with.. Now i dunno how i should play my cards.. I dunno wats the right way to show ur devotion to someone whom u love.. i dunno if wat i am doing is the right way of showing my care.. Here is the list.. I would love to 1:talk on the phone each nite talking abt anything. 2: Share ur probs and at least try to make u feel happy by being there. 3: To bring u out on movie dates or a fun cycling or roller bladding at east coast. 4: To dance so close with u in the club and hopefully get to kiss u passionately on the lips.. 5: To be around u as much as i possibly could..Wat else do i miss.. Anyways these are wat i wanted to do.. Tats how i would shower my love and concern.. But then u said to take it easy.. So.. now i am taking it easy.. I have cut down on msging u and let alone calling u... But i know deep down tat would jus spell disaster.. Cos to me by doing tat i am cutting short my communication with u.. And when tat communication is less the chances of making a long lasting relationship is slim..

So.. wat am i suppose to do now.. i dun wan to do anything to jeopardise this relationship. True u said we are still new.. heck not even a mth together but let me tell u this.. i dun need to be with u for long to know wat kind of person u r. We are both scorpios so i can say i pretty much understand ur character.. ur ego.. ur pride.. Tell me if i am wrong.. Y dun u tell me how u want it to be... cos i dunno whether the direction i am going is the right one.. Anyone have any advices.. I am all ears.. Oh ya i never really show u this but i really hate it each time ur fren whom ask who u r with and u ended up telling u r with a fren instead of ur lover.. I understand u dun want that group of frens to know tat u r already attached cos ur afraid of the gossip they might spread.. But hey like i said.. ppl will never stop gossipping.. Ppl will never stop to find fault with u.. Its all a matter of how u handle them.. If ur conscience is clear u dun have to bother so much with the tell tale tellers cos when they realise they cannot break u they end up getting embarassed themselves..i know its easier said than done but its not impossible jus need the determination..

This is ur life.. U dun expect some bad eggs to ruin it.. U have the right to choose whether to let them do tat to u or either tat u jus dun pay attention to them and carry on with more other important stuff.. U said u disappeared for 2 years jus to stop them from gossiping but now u r back and does the gossiping stops.?? No it doesn't now its some other new gossips.. So need i say more.. we r both scorpios and i know we can be stubborn sometimes.. but can u at least try to understand wat i am trying to say.. I dun wan u to live in fear of ppl who are jus waiting to talk abt u..I wan u to face it and live the life as happily as u can.. U have problems well so do everyone. TIs is not a fairytale life..U can't expect things to go ur way.. I care abt u.. If only i can say all this to u and make u realise tat u have nothing to fear.. someone help me..

Today basically went out to meet Hariz in the morning accompanying him with his shoppings and giving comments whenever needed. Glad he is happy. After tat met up with Shahdan and Rafiz, Eekwan and Asrie at Woodlands to have our dinner. Which after we met Dalilah and Naha and Fairuz at Esplanade. Over there we had a nice time taking pictures at night.. Guess i purposely force myself to take pictures.. This is to boost my low self esteem.. I hope this method works and make me a very more confident intellectual. Below are a few pics tat was taken.
This one is my favourite.. Aren't they cute.

This one i guess i need to work on my angle.. Wassup with looking away from the camera.. Go figure hehe

Last but not least. I manage to conjour up some confidence to look directly at the camera.

So that concluded my days with the gang. Had fun taking the pics..Still have a lot to work on though.

Ok referring to my previous entry sorry for the outburst.. It was jus a small misunderstanding on my part.. I understand u more now.. i really hope tis time ard i can make it last as long as possible.. i will contstantly fight with my low self esteem.. unlike u.. u have everything.. the killer looks the bod.. anyone would die to be with u and make them theirs..

I dunno why u chose ot be with me considering from all those who are 1000 times better than me.. nevertheless i am going to give my bst shot.. jus be patience with me tats all i ask for..

Haiz.. i know it... it was jus too good to be true... u were doing fine today until jus now when we were suppose to meet up.. jus wat did i do wrong? u never reply to my sms jus now and when i call u up jus now u hang up on me.. Y..

Man.. i hate tis.. i dun deserve to be feeling like tis.. first u make me feel love and now u make me feel hate.. the thing is i dunno why u r behaving like tat.. i am not forcing u to meet me.. u can jus say maybe next time..

I am disappointed.. now i am feeling shitty for something i dunno if i did wrong or not.. cos u never even reply back to my sms today except for in the afternoon jus now..

Guess i am back to square one huh... back to where i am alone again..i knew it.. it happened so fast and it could also ends fast... I am pretty much miserable at the moment..

Ok diary here's the thing.. fate really has a funny way of making ur life twist and turn.. the least unexpected thing i expected to happen happen.. Yea its like all this while i have been whining whether will i find tat love.. will it appear and yada yada yada... Guess wat... it did,, its like something hit u so fast tat u didn't even know wat hit u.. I am not gonna describe the details here cos i want it to stay in my memory while it lasted..

I must admit i am ecstatic but hey being the complicated person tat no one knows somehow there is a tiny weeny itsy bitsy stuff tat i am concerned abt.. Its like it happens so fast... is tis gonna be another jus a short ride or a long memorable journey of my life..And for once i need to stop feeling tis insecurity tat i am feeling.. I jus cant shake it off.. need to stop with having doubts.. But dun blame me for putting my guards up cos i've been hurt so much and its surprising tat i am still allowing myself to fall in love again. Funny huh. I will never learn will i.. This persistence i have scares me too..

Anyway i cannot let history repeat itself.. there is something i need to change.. not to act based on my emotions alone.. Now its a whola a diff game.. so its a new book a new chapter. I am not going thru getting to know tat person's past cos i know i will not be happy if i listen to it.. So now as much as i wan to give my all i still am uncertain whether is tis really happening..

How strong or true u r towards me.. I tot i saw a lil bit of jealousy when i talked to the yet another unexpected encounter with a net fren whom i saw for the first time.. i tot i saw the change of facial expression on ur face... or maybe its jus my imagination. ha ha i am a very imaginative person wat can i say.. but hey u r a whola hot person its me who would feel a lil bit uneasy cos its like so many ppl would die to get to know ya and all.. Oh well like i said things always happens for a reason..

Now i need to learn more abt u.. understand u.. its still new of cos everything is gonna be sweet and nice. jus wait before u know it the dirt would be seen.. but hey be it how bad it can get i am still gonna accept u cos u r who u r. I accepted ur proposal tat nite at west coast and must say tats the sweetest moment i ever had., Jus one thing.. i jus hope u dun understand why u dun want the guys in the group to know.. i dunno why u r so scared if they know.. u said there are going to be drama but hey.. Sooner or later they will see it.. actions speaks louder than words.. Right now.. i am jus dun wan to push watever is happening. i need to act rationally from now on.. I dun wan to be a clingy bf. neither would i want to nelgect u even for a sec. wat i am saying i am gonna play my cards with cautious cos tis is something i wouldn't want to jeopardise. I jus hope i get a job soon and tat would make my life complete and i dun have to worry abt being short of cash,.. And if any of the CB guys read tis entry.. i am sorry to whoever tat had to fork out money for me especially ina and ikwan so tat i can club together.. Really i am sorry u guys.. I will make it up to u guys.. I know where i stand so the next time u guys going clubbin i wont be coming k cos at the moment i know i cant afford it. and i dun wan to be a burden.. So guys.. if u do visit my blog.. i am sorry..

Finally i used a new skin for my blog. Hope its user frenly. I wanted to do more but am pretty much tired. Jus wan to get tis done and over with. Jus a penny for my tot.. Why aren't i happy finally i get wat i long sought.. I should be happy nevertheless when u give ur heart to someone u are telling urself be prepared for the worst.. I want to start a new chapter but why do i feel tis doubt abt tat person's feelings.. Can i believe wat u say 100 percent.. Cos when i give my heart i will give it my all..

Heck i dun wan history to repeat itself again.. I dun wan to be a toyed with again.. But wat is this i am feeling.. Why i am so afraid... Though i have already taken the step forward and now there is no turning back.. I need to overcome tis feeling.. Hope i can sleep later... I am still feeling troubled.. I jus cant put it into words.. Who to belive and should i jus see it for myself.. get to know from scratch and judge based on the actions now and not abt the past.. I hope i am doing the right thing..

These are the chnages in me... the first pic depicts my old pic and the rest following are my current oness. See how much i've changed dunno if its for the better or worst..

Today was interesting made a suprise visit at Nassir's work place.He was shocked to see me there cos the thing is its all the way at Bedok.. I should have taken his pic jus now in his uniform hehe and post it in my blog.

I am in love with this Nelly Furtado song.. Hmm jus feeling every single beat of it now.. There's so much i want to say but i jus cant put my feelings into words.. Tis is the result of keeping too much in my mind.. It jus becomes hard to pour out wat u really feel into words...

I love the song so much tat i am leaving the lyric..

Nelly Furtado All Good Things

Honestly what will become of me
don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.

Today was jus another boring day.. Went out late ard 8 plus to meet my fren for a while to get something from him before meeting ina under her block. There we chit chatted and must say i never felt so relax.. jus dun feel like going back cos i know once i am back hme my life gonna be a standstill again..

I realise i am jus like the Tv ya u heard me the TV. once u switch it off it becomes dull, quiet and boring but when u switched on its full of life so many things to see and so exciting.. Once i am hme feels like i am in a cave no one to talk too except for the walls and other tangible stuff now i wont go there yet cos trust me when i am there i am better off in the asylum..

Frens.. how i wish i can really have a real fren.. i dun wanna be the observer anymore.. i wan to participate in the picture.. no longer jus a passing person in someone's life.... Sad to say... despite everything... i feel alone... alone tat it hurts so much.. If it weren't my strong will to live i dun think i would stay alive this far..

I wan to be in love... i wan to feel like i am needed.. i wan a life tat i can look back happily when i am old.. It scares me tat i might jus end up dying alone one day with no one noticing me passed away... I am bothered with the way i am now.. i dun expect anything.. but jus maybe a little hope to look forward into the future.. I need... i need... love....

Y can someone who is so bubbly and easygoing like me feel so insecure... I.. i wan to stroll along the beach and watch sunset and cuddle up till the sun sets.. i wan to snuggle up beside that person in bed and lay my arms ard tat person and have breakfast by the bed.. Maybe for ppl like me tat is something tat is hard to accomplish.. it has always been the case.. Maybe tats how my life is going to be... Maybe...