Today.. i didnt go to work.. though i woke up at 7am like i usually do.. i jus cant bring myself to go to work with this heavy heart.. so wat i did.. i left hme at 12 plus and i go to places where we were last with 2 weeks ago.. Went to city hall.. Walked up to the roof and stood there blank.. reminiscing the time where i waited for u up there while u were getting ready for ur performance on stage.. then i headed down to the ground floor and walk pass the drink stall where u bought drinks b4 we headed to the memorial tower to hang out with ur frens.. I am trying to let u go progressively.. by going to the places we were last with.. i am facing with my misery of losing u and trying to deal with it.. to make myself stronger.. Gradually i am not feeling as bad as yest..

Lonely i felt but i guess tats wat is fated of me.. Lonely..

Finally i cry my hearts out.. been so hard to try to do tat since last nite. and now the tears jus keep rolling like an open tap water..on my sofabed and crying as i write tis entry..get a grip zaid.. get a grip..

Going thru today was the most hardest of all any normal days.. i slept at 4am last nite and ended waking up at 740am... and was suprise to see ur msg.. which i cant resist but to reply back. and from then on the xchanging of msg lasted for 2 hrs.. and now its really over.. u made up ur mind.. jus like tat.. today i spent at hme and thanks to murni bebeh for keeping me company and encouraging me.. tis when i really need someone to be there for me.... Still too many memories on my head tat i am trying to erase.. everything i do jus end up getting reminded of u.. looking at the clock in my bedroom reminds me of the clock in urs. and the time how we tidy up ur room together.. it was only like last weekend we had our dinner together with ur close frens... now but now.. tis sunday i am stuck home.. no more having to wait for ur call to go out or meet u...
i never feel tis much pain in my entire life.. it still feels so depressed no matter how much i try to put a brave front..

Its over,, its over.. i am once again left broken.. now i am really dead.. no more msges from u.. i was not ready to give up but u did.. even if i try my best to make it right u jus wont give me another chance... now my hp is jus gd as dead as well.. back to square one.. alone again.. no one gonna msg me anymore. its gonna be so quiet. y cant i jus have a decent relationship.. we met 4 yrs back but we drifted apart.. then we met again last dec.. and now tonite.. once again history repeats itself.. each time i give my heart to someone i am left crushed again and again.. i dun have the strength anymore.. down, depressed.. empty again.. i am shattered.. there is nothing for me to look forward.. i guess no one is goin to fall for me anymore.. cos each time i let myself do.. they ended up leaving... leaving me on the curb to hang alone by myself... I am so ALONE>>> ALONE. cry my hearts out tonite, cry for all the memories tat are left behind.. y u leave me eventually when only last week u said u had no intention of leaving..

Hati ku remuk sekali lagi.. Sungguh tak ku sangka semasa ku berjalan ke tempat kerja.. air mata ku jatuh berlinang... teringatkan kekata mu semalam di msn.. Aku faham betapa payahnya untuk mu untuk memahami diri ku ini.. Namun setiap kali bila aku ingin menunjukkan bahawa aku gembira bersama mu, kau katakan bahawa aku hanya "whining"..

Aku sedih kerna bukan itu niatku.. kerna kau la antara yg lain yg betul betul kenali aku dan betul betul serius dgnku.. namun.. ada tingkah laku ku engkau tidak boleh terima.. Bukan aku sengaja berbuat demikian.. padaku cara itu yg betul tapi nescaya ia bukan kepada mu..

Inginku mendengar kata kata mu.. tukar pendirian ku yg kau tidak suka.. Aku hanya boleh mencuba sedaya upaya ku.. bukan senang.. sedangkan aku sendiri tidak memahami diriku apatah lagi engaku.. Aku sedih.. aku tak suka jadi sebegini... argh...

Hmm now tat my career is on track, its time to ponder on serious relationship.. Ever wonder once u get the love from tat someone things are not going to be easy from there onwards.. I am referring to the obligations tat falls on ur shoulder automatically once u are an item..

U tend to think more abt how and wat would the other party feels.. u tend to do silly things u never tot u'd imagine u would ever do.. all those sacrifices jus to keep the other party happy... But how long can we do tat?? Tats a tough question even i cant answer tat..

For my case if i fail to make the other party, i would feel bad automatically even if its gonna be hard on me.. Ii would do my best to achieve.. some ppl might jus say dun be stupid.. but for me.. no matter how tough its gonna be i will do wat it takes to make the other party contented..

Haiz well not only tat u also tend to have other issues arousing. Like for an example can tat person be trusted? When u read the msges on tat person's phone and sees names u never seen b4 saying hi "hows ur weekend" and wat not. U tend to think hmm who the hell is tat and is there something fishy goin on here... Jealousy strikes..

Tats a gd thing isnt it to feel jealous. It could also means u care so much for this person..

Last but not least u tend to question urself sometimes.."Am i good enuff for him/her?" when u couldn't fufill ur part on certain circumstances would tat person try to find it from someone who could?? "haiz.. its confusing.. I do wan to do my best to make the other party happy. And of cos i am aware i cant do tat all the time..we r human afterall.

Jus tat wat i worry is if i cant do my part and satisfy the other party well.. would tat person leave me and walk away.. As much as i dun wan tat i know sometimes it couldnt be help.. but i tend to sail sidetrack for a while sometimes cos i know tat person is the ONE.. If possible i wan to paint more happy and enjoyable memories forever.. Once i made up my mind there is not turning back but to proceed on...i do want it to last as long as it can..i am tired of those puppy love n ppl getting hitched jus for the sake of the title and sex..

Well i've been tagged! So without further ado here goes.

The Lucky Number Ten

RULES:
Player of this game with ten weird things or habits or little known facts about yourself. Tag six others to do the same and list them at the end. No tagbacks.

1. I can be very defensive cos i dun believe in givin in easily.

2. I have another nickname given by my late grandma and its "Syukur".

3. Its hard to understands me. One moment i can be read like a book the other complicated like trying to solve a crossword puzzle.

4. Maybe a lil vain cos i do my best to always look gd. to the extend i may overdid it.

5. I jus love to sing and karaoke.

6. Once i put my mind to a decision i will not give up until its the last option.

7. I am into fairy unicorns and magical stuff. I know they existed.

8. I like to do house improvements stuff. like decor and interior.

9. I can be really really notty. Only a few will see tat side ha ha.

10. Lastly i cant stand too flamboyant and overly confident smart ass.

There it is something deeper about me. Next on the list would be.

* Hilmi
* Fareez
* Moonie
* Hahn
* IS

Left house at 715am today and boy was it raining.. It sure was a cold morning and to top it up i couldnt find any umbrella at home. So jus went off and when i reached bugis i still have to walk to get to my work place. And it was still raining but it wasnt tat bad.. Jus got drenched a lil..

Went for the normal orientation and introduced to everyone in the office the manager, assistant manager. etc.. u name it.. he he. Got my own space and it was nerve racking trying to adjust to the whole environment. Luckily the team i am in has a lot of malays so its easier to communicate. And they are really a funny bunch..

The drawings i got from the architect was so complicating.. Lots of amendments to do. Well not bad la at least i managed to start off using the software with least difficulity.. Tomorrow another challenge.I am going to do my best to overcome it. Good luck Zaid!